My most treasured thing...

What day is it today...
And how many days have gone since all withered...
I dont know anymore... it looks like it was all just a dream...
Even my memories look blur at times...
And sometimes i can no longer remember clearly your face... your voice... your touch...
I've tried to move on countless times... But you're a chain too strong for me to break...
The harder i push the harder it hurts...
And that pain its the only proof i have that it was real... That you are real...
Times keeps pushing forward... Though i'm stuck in the same place...
I can't move on... i can't let go... something... its holding me back...
The little princess we used to dream about... i can barelly hear her voice anymore...
And i can barelly understant it between all the tears... all the pain...
Things have changed...
I have changed... I died... and whats left of who i used to be its just an empty shell...
I've tried to forget  you times and times again... But then i remember...
I look at what we had... I look at what we were...
And i just fall in love with you once more...

A day will come when i'll no longer be able to remember your face...
Your voice... Your smell... You...
My brain will betray me and blur all that was so clear to me once...
But i know... no matter how my brain tries to protect me from my love for you
By messing with those sweet memories... making them look nothing more than a dream...
I know... that my heart will always remember... And will always feel...
It will always rush when i hear your name... when someone talks of the past...
Or whenever someone mentions having a family...

I know so many people... I've seen so many things...
But not anything like what we had...
"Never again will i hide my self in shadows" i said...
But now i cant seem to be able to escape yours...
I cant stand it... Cant accept it... Cant let go...
I'm so tired of all this... All those stories on how True Love wins...
I can't believe them anymore... How could I?
Where are you now...?
I close my eyes... and i can no longer see you smiling... or hear the sweet tone of your laugh...
My brain wants to erase you from me... It wants to stop this everlasting pain you've inflicted upon my heart...
But my heart wont allow it...
And whenever my brain makes me forget... my heart makes me fall for you again...

Im not only broken beyond repair... It feels like im not living anymore...
I've never felt nothing for such a long time... All the wounds healed eventually...
But not those you left me with... they're still there hurting as ever...
As you moved on away from my world... you froze it in time for me...
Nothing changes anymore... Its tedious...
Who are you? You who my heart wont allow to go...
You who wherever i go... whatever i see... whatever i do... seem to be present...
My brain blocks every though of you... But i know you existed...
Even if i cant clearly remember... I know...
Even if it looks like an ilusion... I know it was real...
And i can't seem to move on... i can't seem to care about anything else...
I've tried... I've failed... Yet again... I fell in love with you... Just by trying to remember us...
And all those foggy memories become clear... And i see your beautiful face... and hear your voice...
And i understand... why my heart wont let you go... even if it kills me more... even more... everyday...
Thats why... this pain... thats kills me... it is... and always will be... my most treasured thing...

How long has it been

How long has it been...?
Since i last saw you?
Since we are far apart?

I can't even tell anymore...
But somehow here you are again... Lingering around in my life...
And foolish me... wanting to run after you once again...

I can't... I know i still love you... i allways will...
But i must keep my self away somehow... i don't want to get hurt...
Not again by you...

That i would not be able to stand...
That would destroy me far beyond repair...
I've become a twisted person...
With feeling that no one could ever aim to understand...

I've lost the hability to love someone else but you...
And i've failed miserably to move on...

I see you in my dreams and everywhere i go...
And even my guitar... my faithfull companion betrays me with thoughts of you...

And yet again... a simple "hello" from you makes my heart rush
Pumping blood as lightning speed through my body...
My hands start to shake and it gets harder to breathe...
Everything gets messed up again and i dream of being together with you once more...

You've really damaged me...
You broke me... and yet... i still love you... i still want to be with you...
And even saying i wont run after anymore...
I know that at the first glimpse of hope...
I will fight to my last breath once more to have you in my arms...

Goodbye

We've been apart for so much time...
And there was not a single day that my mind didnt drift in the thoughts of you...
Now... i try to move on... i know i wont be able to achieve my happiness...
But i'll try to make someone happy...
And i'll try to smile fully someday...

I know you've done the same...
So i try to move on... but want you to know... I will allways love you...
I will never forget about us... about her...
So i start crying one last time... remembering...
How things could've been diferent...
I'm relearning how to live... without you...
Sometimes i can enjoy my life once again...
But it hurts somehow...

It is as if something is missing... and it is...
But i must move on... as you did...
I must push forward... Even though the string that connects our hearts is still hanging around mine...
And the further i push the more it hurts...

But it is something i've got to do...
Its something i need to do...
So i write to you once again in this blog... that i used so many times before to tell you how i feel...
Princess... i will allways love you... no matter where i am... who i am with... or when...
You are and will allways be my sole true love... the one i lived for... the one that killed me...
Im not able to love anymore... and i know...
Still i need to try to give from me whatever it is that is left...

I hope you read this... I hope it finds you well and happy...
This is my goodbye to you... to us...
This will be... the last time i've cried....

Goodbye my love...

Let me show you...

Let me show you the world in a way
Such as you've never seen before
Do not let our feelings stray
Hold my hand once more...

Let me destroy all that is evil
Let me kill it with burning fire
Let us climb the wings of an eagle
And we'll rise higher and higher.

Let me be your own shield
Let me be your own sword
Know that life is a battlefield
But i'll protect you... you have my word.

Wondering...

Im wondering... Why do I still say "we" when all you care now is "I"...

I still love you... I'll always will.

Another week went by...
As it comes to friday...
Yet again... i've waited for your call...
You said to me that you would call...
And i've asked... will you really...?
I will... you said...
So i've waited...
And now... its already friday...
The only notice i got from you was... Im sorry...I hope you are not mad...
Mad you say? I cant get mad at you anymore...
And i shouldn't have got mad ever...
Even if you sinned... i couldn't care less...
Even if you betrayed me... i couldn't care less...
I just wish you'd call... Saying... you wanted to be with me...
The past is past i don't care...
But i still love you... and that i cant deny... i wont deny it...
I still love you... Like no one ever will... and you know it...
So... if you dont love me anymore...
I'm sorry...
For loving you... for being a burden...
I'm sorry...
For lingering in your life if you want me to disapear...
But i still love you... i'll allways will...
Forgive me...
I can't move one...
You've chained me to yourself...
And i can't break free... i dont want to...
Even if it hurts... i couldn't care less...
I still love you... i'll allways will...

I wish we could just turn back time...
But time is a continuous flow... allways moving forward...
The world moves forward too...
So naturaly... so did you...
Whenever I hear your voice... you allways sound alive now...
You dont care if im not there... you can just smile and feel well and happy...
I dont blame you... you've moved on...
Even after you ask me to wait for you...
After you've promised me countless times that you would come back...
You're moving on... without me...
I don't blame you...
I always knew... i knew you wouldn't come back...
I knew the day would come when i would lie on my bed knowing...
Its over... she moved on...
I knew the day would come when i would write this text...
With tears in my eyes...
Knowing that in that moment... you would not be thinking about me...
Forgive me... for being week...
But i still love you...
So... please... let me love you a little more...
Let me fool myself thinking you're still here...
That you are still mine... that the day will come when the three of us will be togheter...
Laying in the bed... with the little with Eve... and the big dog at our feet...
I know its an impossible dream... it not meant to be...
You've moved on... But i can't... I just can't bury those memories...
Those times... You... Her... Us...
I still love you... i'll always will...
My Imaginarium its broken... I can't even dream anymore...
Can't even picture our future anymore... because after all this time...
You've finaly moved on... We've never been this much time apart...
So i know its the end...
So please forgive me... But i still love you...
I'll always will...
So let me linger around your life for a while longer...
Because I still love you... I'll always will

Loud silence this one...

Why is it that you dont call me anymore...
You don't look for me anymore...
I stand alone waiting for you to come...
To hear your voice...
But this noise drives me crazy... its loud...
Burning my ears...
Its the most painful sound i've ever experienced...
The sound of this loud silence that your absence left me with...

Sometimes hear your voice would be enough...
Enough for me to rest assured that i am still alive...
That you are still alive...
I know sometimes that your read what i write...
And then finally the phone rings..
And between the words of your text...
I realise that you allways misunderstand what i wrote...
Allways thinking the worse of me...
Allways thinking that what i wrote is something to attack you...

So i would like to hear your voice...
And make clear to you what i meant...
But this noise drives me crazy...
This constant and loud silence...
My head hurts... my heart burns...
All i wanted was to hold you close...
And never again let go... but you can't see it anymore...
As if what we had was corrupted to its core...

Don't you understand... I am still here...
Remember when we came back... how i hold you that night...
Near the river... and cried... i was hurt by the time we passed apart...
Remember how we managed to be happy... how you've made me smile...
Then once again between your choices and my frustration we've hurted each other...
And broke apart once more...
I dont want this...
Its not the life im looking for... And neighter is the one you wished...
I know... I know you...
Can't you see... what i wish for us is to start again...
Leave our mistakes behind...
Remake our fairy tale with our happy ending...
The ending only us can achieve...
Forget our mistakes... I allready did...
Forgive us... I already had...
Come into my arms... for you know... that you will never find something like this...
Its our story... our fairy tale...
To be together... the tree of us...
To watch you fall a sleep while i hug you...
Close my eyes and enter the dream world embrace by your skin...
To the sweet melody of you breathing...
Forget everything... I allready did...
I don't care about your sins... i just care about you...
So please kill this loud silence... and let me hear the smile on your voice once again...
Forever. You... me... V.

Powerless

Today i made a promise to myself...
The promise to take another shot at my happiness...
Another shot of being happy with you...
So I called you... and we were suposed to be together...
But life has other plans so it seems...
And for you... it seems im no longer a priority...
But when i think about it... i never was...
Everyone and everything comes first...
So you canceled our plans...
You've canceled my last shot at happiness...
What can i do... I'm really powerless...
Im powerless against this feeling...
Im powerless against the chains that keep me stuck to you.
Im powerless against this emptyness that you allways leave in me...
Im powerless against fate that allways trick me into failure...
I fell like another piece of me died yet again today...
My mind is scattered and filled with insane thoughts...
Somehow i still manage to block everything that goes in my mind from coming to be in the form of actions...
I dont know for how long...
I feel like im in the verge of death... My mind shows me death all around me...
Disgust... contempt... for all that surrounds me... For everyone that surrounds me...
I see people reject what i want the most... I see people destroy what i allways wanted to build...
And little by little i see my self throwing away my life...
Im powerless against this mind of mine...
Im powerless against the feelings in my heart...
How long can i manage to keep them from being...
How long can i mantain my sanity...
Why isnt there anyone to hear me screaming...
If i am surrounded by people... Why is it that no one sees...?
Why am i so alone...?
Why dont you see?
Why dont you care...?
Why is it that no one helps me?
I feel like it is almost too late...
And im powerless to change this fate...

Please

Hearing all the indiference in your voice...
After all that we've been through...
After you asked me what you had no right to...
And even then... i did what you asked... I've waited...
I'm still here...
All that was suposed to break us apart is now solved...
But as i heard the indiference in your voice...
Maybe it was not solved the way i hoped...
Maybe the barrier between us was just replaced by another one...
Somehow... in your words... i couldnt find any hope...
So once again... as many other times before...
I cry... Where are you? You said you'd wipe my tears...
Where are you...
Everytime i search for you... Im lost in my thoughts...
Will you ever come back?
Why can't i feel it anymore...
Even with all the barriers... you used to somehow give me hope...
It didnt happen... And i fell a new barrier rising up...
I would not stand another stab to my heart you know it... i know it...
What are you doing...
Was it really all lies and games?
Was i really just a pawn... and not the king?
I can't help but to fear...
Fuck this... Fuck it... Fuck it all...
Why is this happening... Why are you torturing me like this...
Do i desearve it?
Are you having fun...
Can't you see my life lingering around you...
My voice calling your name in your sleep...
I trusted you... even when you did not desearve any trust...
Will you really go away forever this time?
Just stay... please... stay...

So i guess

So i guess that your indiference is your final aswer...
So i guess that your silence is your final aswer...
Its not the aswer i was hopping for...

So i guess that this is the end of the line...
So i guess in the end there really was not a world for me with you...
Its not the ending i was hopping for...

So i guess all those memories have faded in you...
So i guess all those feelings are nothing but ilusion...
Its not the feeling i was hopping for...

So i guess its over for you...
So i guess you dont care anymore...
Its not what i was hopping for...

I was hopping more of you... of us...
But in the end all thats left is emptyness...
As if never existed anything to start with...
So i guess... in the end i am that stupid...

Final Aswer...

After what you said to me last time...
I'll ask my final question...
Can you be mine forever now?

And now i wait for your final aswer...

Lie no more

You call me when im sleeping
Waking me up from my rest
Your voice seems like it was smiling
And so started your new quest

You talked with words of hope and more
Trying to make me believe and smile again
Maybe your lies used to do the trick before
But now im am sheltered by my pain

So if you please do us both a favor will you
Lie no more for the sake of what we had
Dont know if you think your words are true
Or if its just you acting to make me sad

So again your words became silent
After you tried to shake my core
Get your ideas straight and consistent
And please stop. Lie no more.
Thats what makes the diference
Between a real woman and a whore.

Strings of Life

As my fingers run around the strings
All kinds of thoughts fill my mind and heart.
Memories from long ago... when i used not to care neither know the meaning of pain...
Memories from long ago... when my heart was stabed times and times again...
Now i look around me and i am alone...
All those who tried to live the dream with me are no longer here...
Inside me... i almost feel my heart beating with excitement that the sound of this strings used to fill me with...
And the next second the tears fall down my face...
As the notes flow so do my memories...
I used to laught... i used to cry...
And now all thats left is a big nothing...
They say that music must come with feeling...
Maybe thats why it does not sound anything like it used to...
Maybe i've became an empty shell... from all delusions i've been trough
In the end playing this strings its no more than a choronology of events
That were recorded in this strings...
They are the strings of life.

You had the nerve...

After all that i've been through...
After all this time getting in and out of my life as you pleased...
After all that i had to endure with no one here to hold me...
After i wished to die far more than to live...
Not knowing if anyone would even miss me or notice that im gonne...
I dont believe...
You had the nerve to ask me to stay...
I dont believe...
You had the nerve to blame me...
When in the end...
I'm the one who is still here!!!

FUCK YOU ALL SCUM!!!

The World

The world it seems so big...
So full of life and oportunity...
So full of interesting things and interesting people...
So... Why can't I see it anymore...
I remember when we used to be together...
I used to find every little detail so amazing about the world...

And now?
Between my old dreams and new hopes...
The world it seems so big...
So big that for some kind of reason i try to run away to the other side of the world...
Hopping that somehow this pain fades...

But just the though of never see you again...
Kills me in my sleep... Haunts me when i'm awake...
Why did i became chained to something that is not mine...
I look around the world... my old time friends seting their lifes straight
Making their families... And it drives me back to those days...
It drives me back to the day we lost her...

I've never felt so lost...
Is as if...
There is no world for me without you...
But there seems to be no world for me with you either...

It seems as if...
The string that used to connect our hearts...
It way bigger than this world... Even though... its already so streched...
And you're so close... and yet so far away...
I'm delusional... Seeing things where they are not...
My hopes change your simple words in faith...
Faith destined to become even more sorrow for me to endure...
Maybe i'm right...
Maybe really there is no world for me without you...
Maybe really there is no world for me with you either...
Leaving me to fade silent in tears...

What is wrong with me...

I used to laugh all the time...
Let my mind fly and imagine...
I used to wake up filled with strenght
Knowing that someday something would happen that would change my life...

Not anymore...
What is wrong with me...
I can no longer fight... i just keep falling down regreting mistakes from the past...
I just keep losing sight of everything...

Every night i think about the past with no future on my horizon...
And all the crossroads i've reached through my life... is it possible that i've taken all the wrong paths?
I remember how it used to be so simple to be happy...
And how i lived filled with hopes...

What is wrong with me...
As time passes by and i'm getting older...
There are no more reasons to smile... to fight or even to live...
And even when i think about how my life could change... i dont see a solution...
No more crossroads... just a straigh line towards the end...
And this straight line goes on forever...
Its a one way road so there is no turning back...
Its a neverending road so there is no where to go...
I can't help but wonder...
What is wrong with me...
If even my words feel empty and do nothing to ease my pain anymore...
Why? Maybe beacuse i know no one will ever read it... or at least... care about them...
Or maybe... in the end... im just going insane...
Am i really that broken?